change should be from the inside

i had asked for some healing from the reiki groups and was told that i should do the visualizations and affirmations.
the problem is that i am unable to visualize myself as successful .
i can only see myself as failing.
whatever task i start , i cant see myself successful in it.
whatever course i do and whatever things i learn, i keep doubting and fearing that whether i will be able to perform the task . whether i am good enough for doing the task or job or whatever.

It is because some very strong beliefs inside and visualizing and affirmations seems to work from the outside.
i think i need to change from the inside. maybe i should let go of wanting to be successful. maybe i should try and stop resisting my situation and condition and accept it . i should be accepting it and try to love myself as i am without trying to change myself.

somewhere inside i feel that maybe success is near and sometimes i just go in a downward trend and feel down. feel that nothing would work for me. there are many ups and downs and i am just sort of being swept.

whew, i have written too much. somebody send some healing fast.
want my story to be a rags to riches story where i go from low self esteem and everything bad to a successful person with high self esteem and a charismatic personality . pray for me.
Bye,
Faraz Ahmed
author of self help & spirituality blog